Toxic Masculinity isn’t Agression: It is Regression
In the many years I spent working closely with men of all ages and backgrounds, I was given a rare vantage point into the masculine experience—especially around sexuality. Again and again, I witnessed how men often (unconsciously) express deeper emotional needs through sex and intimacy. What I saw firsthand was not a one-dimensional caricature of “toxic masculinity,” but a wide spectrum of subtle patterns, compulsions, and pathologies that reflect unaddressed wounds.
As an advocate and teacher of sexual practices that honor the whole person, my work has always looked past the surface of behavior to the roots beneath: the beliefs, fears, and unmet needs driving it. From that perspective, what culture calls toxic masculinity is often misunderstood. It is not strength, authority, or genuine power. It is regression.
Often when men act with aggression, entitlement, or disregard for boundaries, these behaviors are not evidence of maturity, power, or dominance. They are symptoms of dependency and immaturity — attempts to get needs met without accountability. What appears on the surface as control is, in truth, a slide backwards into childlike states of avoidance and emotional outsourcing.
One example I saw repeatedly in the sex industry was men who refused to engage with boundaries that were clearly written into ad copy or screening processes. Instead of respecting a provider’s stated terms, they would bypass, ignore, or expect her to “hand-hold” them into what they wanted. This wasn’t confusion — it was covert aggression. A demand for feminine caretaking disguised as helplessness. By treating a woman’s boundaries as negotiable, these men weren’t showing dominance. They were regressing into dependency, outsourcing responsibility, and expecting a woman to carry what they refused to own.
This same regressive pattern appears outside the sex industry too, often in more insidious forms. Another expression of regression I saw both in the sex industry and in daily life is the “nice guy” pattern. These are men who intentionally distance themselves from overtly aggressive or hyper-masculine figures — and openly despise men like Trump or Andrew Tate, caricatures of dominance. “Nice guys” present themselves as kinder, softer, “progressive.” They even might refer to themselves as “feminists” and purport to “support” women, and in doing so make themselves appear “safe.” Yet beneath the surface, they lack the confidence and maturity required to truly protect, provide, or respect boundaries and may even hold contempt for women.
When faced with a woman’s clear “no,” these men often persist anyway, approaching her again under the guise of care or friendliness or helpfulness — sending messages on birthdays or holidays, “checking in,” or otherwise reappearing after a boundary has been set. What looks like support is actually another form of aggression — covert dependency disguised as care, a way of keeping access open without honoring the woman’s boundaries. This passive-aggressive behavior is regression: the refusal to grow into accountability, instead masking unwanted pursuit as benevolence.
Sex Industry as a Mirror
During my years as a sensual massage provider, I saw a consistent pattern: most men, though outwardly seeking erotic connection, were in fact looking for emotional soothing, validation, and a sense of being seen. These needs are deeply human, but when they are outsourced to a provider instead of being met through honest self-inquiry, accountability, and vulnerable communication, the dynamic becomes one of regression.
Rather than facing the discomfort of growth—acknowledging intimacy issues, addressing marital problems, or building emotional capacity—many men used sensual experiences as a shortcut. What might have looked empowering was, in truth, a return to dependency: expecting women to carry unmet needs, heal emotional wounds, and absorb projections. Far from true masculine power, this is emotional outsourcing and arrested development disguised as sexual freedom.
Broader Patterns of Regression
What I witnessed in the sex industry was simply a concentrated expression of a larger cultural pattern. Regression shows up everywhere—not just in erotic spaces—as a refusal to hold emotional and relational responsibility and a slide back into childlike ways of getting needs met.
In the digital age, this regression often looks like:
DMs & Online Flirting: Men seeking constant attention and validation from women—like a child tugging on a mother’s sleeve—instead of developing self-confidence and the capacity to emotionally self-soothe. This behavior keeps men distracted, ungrounded, and dysregulated, without the resilience needed to stay grounded in their mission and purpose.
Hookup & Porn Culture: Sexual experiences that bypass intimacy, skill-building, and emotional risk, allowing men to stay in an adolescent stage of relating. Hookups and porn provide quick stimulation but prevent the development of mature erotic capacity, emotional intelligence, and relational presence.
Caretaking Masks: Over-involvement with parents, adult children, or even work as a way to feel significant and “needed” without facing one’s own emotional pain. While it can look noble, it keeps men dependent on others for identity and prevents true sovereignty.
Each of these patterns reflects an attempt to avoid the discomfort of growth. They are not signs of maturity or empowerment but coping strategies that keep men stuck in dependency. True growth demands learning to create, lead, and love from a grounded center.
Feminine Energy Inversion
Regression does more than keep men stuck — it disrupts polarity. True masculine energy protects, provides, and takes responsibility. Regression pulls men out of that grounded role and into a wounded, passive form of feminine energy: seeking comfort, validation, and emotional caretaking rather than standing in mature presence.
This wounded feminine expression can look like helplessness, but it can also take the form of subtle manipulation. Men may guilt women into over-giving, push against boundaries, or frame their neediness as vulnerability, drawing women into mothering them instead of meeting them as equals.
When men hand off their pain to women—whether through emotional dumping, attention-seeking online, or seeking transactional intimacy—they stop leading and protecting. They turn women into surrogate mothers, emotional regulators, or fantasy figures, asking them to carry what is theirs to hold.
This inversion exhausts women and throws relationships off balance. A man cannot feel secure in himself while acting from a place of dependency. The result is erosion of trust, respect, and emotional connection — and intimacy that feels obligatory or disconnected.
When men regress into wounded feminine energy, they weaken the very relationships they long to feel safe in. Instead of offering leadership, protection, and direction, they pull on women for comfort and containment, leaving women over-functioning and resentful. Along with relational harm, this keeps men cut off from their true purpose and emotional maturity.
The invitation is not to shame men for these patterns but to call them into growth. True masculine power means facing discomfort with courage, taking ownership of unmet needs, and building the capacity to lead, protect, and love with integrity — restoring balance to themselves and their relationships.
