9 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE HIRING A SEX WORKER
The sexual self is attracted to power. And the most powerful thing you can do in an intimate encounter is to take full responsibility for yourself, and give the other person the freedom to do the same.”
Steven Snyder, MD, Love Worth Making
Investing in an experience with a sex worker can be a life-changing opportunity to understand and take responsibility for your sexual needs, and to uncover and evaluate your beliefs about sex and sexuality. One of the greatest—and perhaps most overlooked—gifts working with a professional can offer is self-awareness and the tools to meet your personal needs, both independently and with a partner.
Knowing and accepting our sensual self enables us to be empowered and intentional when choosing lovers. However, if we desire lasting intimacy with a partner, we must first learn how to give ourselves the same attention and care we seek in a relationship.
If you’ve never allowed yourself to candidly consider exactly what and who turns you on or what non-sexual needs you meet through sexual intimacy, answering the questions below will help you get the most out of the time you invest with a professional and also enable you to use the experience to build confidence and security within yourself.
Since mainstream cultural messaging generally discourages uninhibited sexual self-exploration without judgment, fear of criticism, or expectations, answering the following questions may bring up uncomfortable emotions, and awareness of conscious beliefs and subconscious programming. Uncovering what underlies sexual needs and desires is essential to creating the authentic and satisfying intimate encounters we all crave, even if the process is uncomfortable.
Start your journey of self-discovery by answering the following questions prior to engaging a professional. Doing this will help you find the ideal professional companion and get the most out of your investment with a sex worker.
1. How do I really feel about hiring a sex worker?
Many people have mixed feelings about hiring a professional companion. Negative stereotypes and widespread misinformation about the sex industry can make the experience fraught with internal conflict, eliciting feelings of shame, fear, and guilt among other negative emotions.
Notice what feelings come up for you. Avoid suppressing them or talking yourself into feeling comfortable if you don’t. Your emotions, even if suppressed, will set the tone for your experience. Take responsibility for how you feel without self-judgment. Consider the source of any beliefs or messaging associated with your feelings. Be curious and open to whatever arises. Whatever you do, don’t project your feelings on to your provider.
2. What beliefs do I have about sex workers and those who solicit professionals?
If answering the first question brought up suppressed emotions, your underlying beliefs associated with each emotion are likely the cause. Identifying hidden prejudice, stereotypes, and cultural biases before you engage a professional will allow for transparency, re-education, and revising outdated or false beliefs that are causing negative emotions, such as shame and guilt.
Ignoring or denying your beliefs altogether undermines the potential benefits of your experience and leads to increased negative emotions. Accept whatever comes up in this process without judgment. Keep in mind that it’s possible to hold space for conflicting beliefs & feelings. Consider a “both and” approach when looking at what comes up, and notice black & white thinking.
3. Am I willing to take responsibility for myself?
Though sex workers and psychotherapists have overlapping roles, no laws, guidelines, nor regulations exist to oversee sex work, making the sex industry far more inconsistent and potentially dangerous than the closely monitored milieu of mainstream therapists. Before hiring a sex worker, be aware that your job is to be responsible for your own emotional, physical, and financial safety and to communicate your needs accordingly.
Given the lack of oversight and potential risks, you must be prepared to take charge of experiences from beginning to end, including screening, safety, and desired outcomes.
4. Am I willing to communicate openly and honestly?
Most professionals are intuitive, but don’t expect your provider to be a mind reader. Clear and direct communication is necessary for a meaningful and productive professional relationship. Don’t make assumptions about what a provider offers, nor be shy about voicing your needs. Make the most of this opportunity to practice authenticity by sharing your needs and desires candidly. Not only will this allow you to get the most of your investment, you’ll also build confidence and communication skills that can be used in your personal life as well.
5. What physical needs do I want to meet?
For men, in particular, acknowledging the desire for physical needs that extend beyond sensual touch may feel uncomfortable, as cultural expressions of masculine sensuality are often sexually-driven. Looking at physical needs without bias or fear of being rejected can help identify exactly what these needs are. You may discover that what you seek in a sexual experience can be found in other types of physical activities as well. Or that what you crave is not sexual touch at all.
Perhaps physical touch is your primary love language, or you simply desire the experience of being held, caressed, and massaged. Maybe you wish to offer touch to a partner who loves to receive. Think about what kinds of touch you desire, and physical activities in general bring you a sense of fulfillment. This will help inform the type of provider whose services will satisfy you. For example, an encounter with an escort, while allowing more sexual exploration, may not be as emotionally satisfying as a massage session depending on your needs.
6. What emotional needs do I want to meet?
Emotional needs are often interwoven with our physical needs, so knowing what we want to feel on an emotional level during and after sexual intimacy is as important as knowing what type of touch we’d like to give and receive. Maybe feeling safe is the top priority. Being seen and feeling appreciated for who you are may also be important. Perhaps you simply want to explore your sexuality with someone who accepts you without judgment or without the pressure to reciprocate.
If your emotional needs are met through meaningful conversation or companionship or a relationship that builds gradually over time, be sure to acknowledge this when seeking a companion. Your emotional needs are as important to consider as your sexual desires when seeking a professional, so make you don’t skip this step.
7. What boundaries do I need in place to feel comfortable and relaxed when entering into a professional relationship with a provider?
Every provider has a unique set of boundaries, just as every individual defines what feels safe and appropriate for themselves. Be sure to know what your boundaries are around intimacy, privacy, communication, and financial investment. Knowing what boundaries you need in place and how to communicate these upfront will help assuage any fears and empower you to find a provider who will share your values and establish a rapport based on clear understanding and mutual respect.
8. Am I willing to do the research necessary to find an appropriate match?
Taking the time and effort to see a provider only to discover that she doesn’t offer the services you want is a huge disappointment for you. Dealing with clients who don’t bother to read our ads or respect our policies is a huge drag for professionals. Avoid making appointments without first doing the research needed to be reasonably sure your needs can be met by a particular provider and vice versa. This includes reading online ads, reviews, and policies about the services offered before making an appointment. When in doubt, make a discreet inquiry to get the answers you seek.
9. What are my dealbreakers?
Consider anything and everything that would ruin an experience for you. Smoking, drug use, unclean or noisy spaces, unappealing personality traits, or age differences may be turn-offs.
Other factors, such as the location, space, and physical appearance may also be dealbreakers. Remember, you are responsible for knowing what you want as well as what you don’t want.
Just as you wouldn’t choose a psychotherapist without first having a consultation, you don’t want to hire a sex worker until you are confident her skills and personality are a good match for your unique needs.
Once you have a clear sense of what you are looking for and why, you can begin the screening process with a set rubric that will keep you from wasting valuable time, energy, and money on experiences you’d rather avoid.
